John Lawrence is the Real All-Valley Karate Champion

I'm not going to spend time fussing over why so many of us are so enamored with The Karate Kid twenty four years after its original release. There are plenty of reasons, and most of them are of the 'feel-good' variety. To many, Daniel LaRusso was practically the Rocky Balboa of the 1980's. Ralph Macchio's "LaRusso," along with the help of a very good (yet formulaic) screenplay, a caring and compelling Japanese mentor/handy man, some extremely entertaining adversaries, and of course, Karate itself; made the movie tops amongst a herd of other small-budget teen flicks produced during the decade. Personally, I enjoyed Daniel's revelation that the hard physical chores forced upon him by his mentor, Mr. Myagi, were actually teaching him essential Karate fundamentals via way of muscle-memory. However, what really 'makes' the movie for me are the many classically written and delivered lines. I mean, who doesn't laugh at these:"Get 'em a body bag!!", "Sweep the leg.", or "You don't walk in to my Dojo, drop a challenge and then leave, old man!". ...and I don't believe I am the only one who can recite these lines...

Other people will dissect 'Kid' differently and connect to the mutually-beneficial mentor-student relationship that developed between Myagi and LaRusso; some may appreciate the idea that a physically out-gunned underdog picked himself up off the ground to finally exact revenge from his tormentors...and I could go on because this movie has plenty of meaningful sub-text, but these things don't make for a fun discussion....

What I've decided, instead, is to discuss some of the absurdities and 'unbelievables' that we must endure before we get to the lessons learned, the great lines, and ultimately to the championship-winning 'crane' kick that earns Daniel the "All Valley Karate Championship."

Here are a few of mine:

1. Actors portraying athletes...To me, in order for a sports movie to be believable, and for that matter, successful, the main character or characters, along with help from the film's Director and Film Editor, have to convince me they are actually playing the subject sport well - and I'm not talking about playing pool because Paul Newman and Tom Cruise certainly convince me in the The Color of Money, but I have no idea if either is athletic. I'm talking about Baseball, Boxing, Basketball or any sport that requires one to have have balance, agility, speed, and strength, among other attributes (Karate would happen to be one of these sports). Case in point, Robert Redford completely sold us on Roy Hobbs because his athleticism was obviously apparent, and that swing of his was just so sweet, almost flawless. Redford actually played baseball in college, which helped. On the other hand, Gary Cooper, in Pride of the Yankees, was a complete buffoon while portraying Lou Gehrig. He couldn't even run a straight line....and he threw a baseball like a girl. As un-American as it sounds, this movie is unwatchable to me because Gary Cooper was completely not believable as a baseball player. Similarly, Ralph Macchio, was a string bean weighing no more than 135 pounds. He also had absolutely zero muscular definition. When was the last time you saw such a pathetic weakling win a karate Championship anywhere? When was the last time you saw such a specimen win a fist fight with a girl not named Serena Williams? Macchio supposedly trained and dieted for months prior to filming. Obviously the repetitions and strength training did him little good. Now, I haven't ever been to a major karate tournament, but wouldn't one expect the winner to more resemble Jean Claude Van Damm rather than Ralph Macchio, both in terms of physicality and athletic prowess? Daniel has none of these attributes, and I honestly felt he was miscast for the part because of this. In the movie, Daniel claims to have learned Karate at a YMCA. To me, he looked more like a YMCA janitor, especially after showing off his floor-sanding and house painting skills prior to the tournament. If I was Myagi, I would have said: "Daniel, son! Always look eye when you change your pigtails! Ai."

3. The guy was a jerk....I hate to be picking on Daniel again, but how can you not? Where in any other underdog movie was the triumphant hero so unlikeable? This kid was 100% pure wise-ass. Miraculously, he's got the hottest girl in the school (Allie) interested in him somehow, and after she coaches him with some constructive advice about dealing with their relationship 'issues' he yells "get off my case!" to her while walking away.... in front of her girlfriends no less. What a charmer. After pulling the water hose stunt on Johnny at the Halloween party did he expect not to get a beat-down by the entire Kobra Kai clan? Wouldn't the pure stupidity of his actions warrant a butt-whipping? Not to mention that after Johnny knocked him down (I believe within 14 seconds) at the beach party, he gets up and sucker punches him; and then proceeds to offer his hand in some sort of peace gesture while saying "now we're even!" Was he kidding? Look, this movie was good....and if I were to surf the channels and find it in mid-stream tonight, I'd watch the conclusion....but rooting for this guy is tough. In the end, I believe more people root for Daniel because they don't want Mr. Myagi to be dejected or disappointed, after investing so much of his blood, sweat, and tears in this guy.

3. Johnny won the fight-I don't know much about scoring a karate bout, but if this were a boxing match and if one were to glance at both participants after the final bell--one being bloodied and barely able to walk, while the other looked like he just got out of the shower and into his bathrobe--who would that person pick as the winner? OK, but you say Daniel landed a combination of three punches / kicks to Johnny's two, but watch the movie again. Johnny already landed three combos....and four if you count the 'leg sweep.' Didn't Johnny chase Daniel out of the ring twice? Why wasn't Daniel disqualified? Wasn't this tournament for brown belts and above only? We all know Daniel was wearing a stolen black belt, and wouldn't he have been found out eventually and stripped of his title soon thereafter? No, of course not because we know he defended his championship in Karate Kid III. I'm sorry and I understand instant replay was not around in 1984 (unlike today), but the All Valley tournament officials got it wrong when they presented LaRusso the trophy.